A Bittersweet Conspiracy

All my life I have believed that someone is out to get me. Most of the times I used to think it’s God or my mother, but when I started university I realized there is more to it then I think.

The suspicion started in school around 2nd grade. We were made to learn tables, multiplication, division, subtraction, and all that. After excruciating ourselves through cramming those numbers for two years we were handed calculators. I remember when I was told the functions of the calculator and what all it can do I was dumbstruck. I don’t quite remember what I had said but if a similar situation takes place today I would say something like, “Are you kidding me? Is this some kinda joke? Why didn’t you give me this two years back. Am I on some kinda reality show? ” But I believe at that time I was just surprised and blessed that such a thing exists and that we don’t have to cram those hideous numbers anymore.

As we started using calculators in the class math seemed much fun and unproblematic but there was a twist to our excitement. We were NOT allowed to use calculators in the exams. Now how ridiculous is that? But at that tender age I did not confront my opinions but instead I choose not to learn anymore (I wonder if standing outside the math class every other day has something to do with this?).

Time passed and we progressed towards using scientific calculators and then came computers. What bothers me is that these gadgets were never introduced to us at the time we needed them the most (for example, Texas instruments were not introduced to us when we had to find the sin/tan value from the log table). Not that they didn’t exist the time of our need but our parents and smartass teachers didn’t feel we needed them. Instead they wanted our grey cells running all the time. They rather let us scratch our brains and then introduce these wonderful gadgets when their use was not much of a use to us.

It never stopped. This continued through middle school, high school, grad school. When I took admission in the university I thought I am not going to fall for this again. So I asked my folks …”so what is it going to be this time?” They mardly smiled and walked away. I guess I’ll get the answer after two years. I wonder this conspiracy was just against me or there are more sufferers.

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The 10 Things That are Bothering Me This Week

1. News update at 5.pm: When the anchor says things like; “It is delicious, it’s an essential ingredient for many ethnic dishes and it might lead to cancer….AND YOU might be having it for dinner tonite. More on this at our 11.30pm newscast”. There goes my dinner.

2. Red/Golden Delicious Apples: how come they have such a fancy name? how did they get it? Who gave it to them? What if I add ‘Incredibly Attractive’ to my first name?

3. Restaurants giving away coupons to cover up their poor service/products so that you go thru another unsatisfying experience for FREE.

4. The term ‘on the side’ for the food and beverage industry does not make sense to me. Which smartass came up with that idea? Will it be still ‘on the side’ if its on a circular plate? Who gave the chef so much power to decide wa to keep on the side and wa goes in the center of my plate?

5. At the checkout line at the grocery store, some ppl suddenly realize they forgot to pick up smtg so they royally leave their carts & baskets on their spot, meanwhile they go fetch wa’ever they forgot. At that moment I wish I had superman eyes (heat vision), I would make those people disappear altogether.

6. Appointments being confirmed 3 months in advance by some medical practitioners. Receptionists asking ‘How would 11.15am work for you on may 26th” (Its February). I wish to say.. “Oh that’s no good. I am grocery shopping at 11.20am that day”.

7. People standing at the stop sign for more than 5 seconds. IT’S A STOP SIGN, NOT A RED LIGHT FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!!!

8. Have you noticed when you are coming out of a store and your walking towards your car sometimes you realize a car is following you and with that a set of eyes. Not only that it is at the same pace as you are. You turn left, left indicator starts flashing. You turn right, right indicator starts flashing. You look back and the car stops and then it moves at the same pace as you do again. It’s so annoying. Next time I am gonna trick the driver into pretending that I am in the wrong lane altogether. I’l like to see his expression then. Haah!

9. The cooking shows on tv- I just hate them. What’s the point of the food when I can’t smell it, feel it or taste it? To top that at the end of the show they always zoom on the dishes, which is their way of mocking at their audiences telling them, “Thank you for watching but you can’t eat this, NA NA NA NAAAAAAAAAA NAAAAAAAAA!!!” God dammit it makes me so mad!

10. Telemarketers always calling during dinner time. I do not have a set dinner time then how come they always get to knw wa time am dinning. Am I on some kinda reality show?? Are there any cameras here?

A Message from the Author

Welcome to my blog! And I must add: YOUR SPECIAL! Yes, you are. Being here on this blog you’ve been tagged ‘I am special’. (Its like going clubbing. When you enter a club you are stamped, same way every time you’ll enter this blog you will be tagged ‘your special’ and if u do decide to abandon and ignore this blog then we all know what happens to the stamp/tag.)

If your reading this in a classroom, boardroom, coffee shop, conference, library, or anywhere public I suggest you pay 10% attention to your external environment (please read the teaser: I am not responsible for your actions). If your reading this at work then I suppose this is just the place for you and this is why they pay u as much as they do. If your reading this on your blackberry while driving then I’d like to say… YOUR DRIVING FOR GOD SAKE PAY ATTENTION ON THE ROAD!!!

This is my first attempt to write publicly though am not sure why I am doing this but am pretty sure I didn’t loose a bet. If your wondering why you should read this blog or what’s in it for you to read and waste your time then I’d like to say its really your problem. I yet haven’t figured out why I am writing here and if I start taking problems individually then I suppose it will lead to one GIANT problem.

Similar to a book, I’d like to put the blog under some category (the author is trying to show her organizational skills here). Let’s see. It does not fall under one of those ‘self-help’ sections where your told how you can improve this and that; yet you‘ve been given the tag of being special (this is your bonus like those products where you get 25% extra at the same price). Its definitely not under Home and Gardening. Seriously, I dunno why that’s even a category. Like com’on ppl everyone’s home has a V shaped hut thingy* (which is how we are taught to draw in elementary), few windows, 2 doors, few rooms and a green garden (cut/uncut, with/without weeds). What can be more to that section? Its neither fiction nor non-fiction. I think am going to invent my own category…how about.. “I-can-write-whatever-I-want…haah!” The word ‘haah’ emphasizes that the author claims to have authority and power (and it sounds kool too) Yes, I think am going to stick to this category.

All this writing has overwhelmed me. Excuse me, I think I need a break. You too should get back to whatever you were doing. I hope to see you again.

Cheers,

The Author (Imagine author’s signature here)

Footnote

* For the benefit of those who do not know the word is used universally on universal things to explain universally impossible ideas, theories, and beliefs.

Disclaimer

The author is not responsible for accurate spellings and writing in as a first person. Again, read the TEASER!