Presence in Absence

Thou I have nothing against u,
I have it all…all I ever wanted
Yet there is a longing,
That I wasn’t aware off before.
Who is this hiding inside me?
watching me…
Never before was the mirror so beautiful.
Thou I have nothing against u,
Yet there is a longing.
The rays of the sun, like d beaded pearls,
were never so bright before
And never before was the moonlight so ambrosial.
The spring was green but never so green before,
I hear the singing of the flowers and the leaves
And the applause by the bees.
Never before have I seen the mystic dance by the branches of the trees,
Never before have I heard silences the way I do now.
Thou I have nothing against u,
Yet there is a longing
That I wasn’t aware off before.

*inspired by jaane kya baat hui.


The Indian Diaries – Misty Mornings

Waking up to foggy mornings

Like waking up in the clouds.

The misty smell makes me feel alive

The dew drops on the leaves are a sight for the eyes.

Everything is partially visible

like the paths of my life.

My fingers are numb from the cold

I can hardly taste anything on ma tongue.

I love making fog circles – like smoking out every doubt inside

The chilling breeze has numb my brain

And my thoughts dance without music in my brain.

Every year I come down to this core,

To wake up to the misty mornings, once more.

The Indian Diaries- Air miles & more

I knew there would be drama involved in my trip to India-after all; India is the land of drama (besides being the land of kamasutra that is). But what I didn’t know was that the drama would start during my travel itself. My disappointment came to surface when I reached the airport and I saw a huge line of brown people on my flight. FML was what came to my mind. I had carefully articulated the facts that this flight would have less brown passengers as compared to the others. My reasoning was very logical and calculated. I was hopelessly wrong with my assumptions and I knew I had no other option but to think positive. It can’t be that bad-I thought to myself.

I don’t like flying with a plane full of brown people because most of them are loud and disrespectful to other people’s space. I say this coz I have many in-flight stories and they all involve disturbances caused by brown people. Like for instance, last time when I was flying to India (like that’s  a surprise!) an old woman (around 70) got up after dinner (when the lights were dimmed down) and took her pillow and threw it in the aisle and then she lay flat in the middle of the aisle-trying to take a nap. I got the shock of my life when I saw this- OMG OMG OMG!. I woke up sister to show her the sight. I was sitting two seats behind on the aisle side watching all this drama unfold. Later the FA (Flight Attendant) came and took care of the situation.  Thank god! I went first class for the rest of the trip coz I don’t think I could have handled any more shock for one flight.

On a similar flight this one time there was a Sardar with a turban sitting in the middle row. After few hours of flying time he removed his turban and put it aside. Just like that he removed his turban amidst of all the people and didn’t bother putting anything else or fixing his sunflower shaped hair. How disrespectful  is that to the other person’s space? Being comfortable is one thing but making others uncomfortable is another.

See I wasn’t lying when I said these things always happen in my flights. This time when I was coming home there was this one annoying kid (about 2-3yrs old) sitting 3 seats in front of me. There were more than 12 kids on the flight but I didn’t hear anyone else except this one. She was throwing tantrums and shrieking nonstop-seriously!. After few hours of trying to divert my attention when it was time to take a nap, and I tried really really hard to ignore that kid but I couldn’t- I had a THAT’S IT moment. I buzzed for an FA.

Me to the FA: “Could you ask that woman to quiet her kid. It’s highly annoying”.

FA: “It’s hard to say that ma’am. It’s a little difficult to travel with kids”.

ME: “There are more then 10 kids on this plane. Do u hear anyone else? And this kid is not an infant or a toddler (trust me, I’ll be understanding then) this is a 3 year old who needs disciple”.

FA: “I’ll try to do whatever I can ma’am”.

ME: “Thank you very much’.

I see the FA go to the lady and say something to her and since then for the rest of the flight I did not hear even a squeak from that kid. My sis who was traveling with me rolled her eyes for I had given her the look of ‘And that’s how its done!’ I was so glad that the attendant talked to the lady coz I was this close to go myself and give her a piece of my mind. If you can’t discipline your kids don’t bring them to this world to annoy other people coz it’s not the kid that is being blamed for but you and your upbringing.

All this drama before I touch India. Imagine what is in store for me while I am there.

More to come…

This year I will…

So what is your New Year resolution?

For starters, I hate this question. I think it’s taken more as a competition then a declaration. Also, I don’t usually like the tone in which the question is asked. And lastly, I am not surprised by the people who ask me that question. I don’t expect anything less from them.

I don’t have anything against resolutions- really, I don’t! I just don’t believe you need to wait for the start of the year to change yourself. People make grand resolutions on the first day of the year and by the third day they forget all about them.

What I find most amusing is people take up resolutions so that they can prove to others they did something (like going green for saving the environment). The mere point of the resolution is to fit in the “I am part of the solution not the problem” club. My problem here is not the resolution itself but the intention of the resolution.

However, I like when people pick up resolutions towards a healthier lifestyle (eating right, drinking less, quit smoking types). But why wait for the start of the year for that. We should work on this all year along, no? At least people are focusing on themselves while making such resolutions. That’s better than being a part of some imperceptible smug club.

This year I hope you go a level deeper than your outer self. How about taking the inner journey and focusing on your inner-self? Now I am not asking you to go to a shrink and talk your heart out or take up yoga (now ntg is wrong with yoga-let me finish). All I am asking is to pay a little attention to the unconscious side of your consciousness.

How about listening to your heart this year?

How about being less pessimistic this year?

How about reading more books this year?

How about being less stressful about useless things this year?

How about picking up that passion you gave up coz u got so busy with…life? A close friend has taught me that you should never give up on your passion coz if you do you might achieve everything in life that you gave up that passion for but you’ll be left with a hole in your heart. Whether it is art, music, writing, baking-whatever it is-don’t give it up!

So today if you have a resolution to spare (like the spare change you give to the charity), I encourage you to listen to your heart and follow it boldly and fearlessly.

As for me, I took the inner journey and started listening to my heart and life has changed ever since.

Me & My Moon

For the nights I’ve laid awake with you

Confessing into ur ears,

Nights I whispered my fears to you

Holding close my comforter.

The nights ur presence made my world so small

As u held my love, who’s so close, yet so far.

For the nights I gazed into ur eyes, contemplating life

To the nights I slept under ur subtle light.

From digging the past to dreaming the future

For letting out a sigh, for the heartaches I suffered.

Here I am, laying awake waiting for you

For I have secrets to share, but where are you?

The Big Question

Every time I plan to go home I am faced with one big question- when are you getting married? Being brown and slowly passing the  marriageable age (way pass the ideal settling down age which in Indian standards is 24?) I think I am causing a lot of worry to certain Indian people who are neither family nor close friends. I find that amusing that it is not my family who shows concerns (knowing me well) but it’s usually ‘other ppl-the so-called well wishers” who are worried sick of my future. They are not just worried about my future apparently they are confused why my family is not bothered by my lifestyle. What really really bothers them is when they come to my folks and ask them when they are marrying off their kids and they get a reply- The kids are big enough to make that decision when they want too…(Gotto luv maa for that). The expressions that follow are priceless.

It’s very difficult for these people to grasp the concept of a single independent woman who is happy with her life. They don’t get it. How can you be happy when you are not married and have no plans to start a family any time soon. How is that even possible? I simply smile and confuse them.

Then the next round of questions start when I don’t answer anything straight.

They- “Are u seeing someone?”

Me- Are you my mother-well then, I guess I don’t have to answer u, do i?

They- “You are living so far away, you must be seeing someone.” You didn’t find any eligible boy there?

Me-  I censor myself from what comes first in my mind and end the conversation with a sarcastic remark (which always annoys them and gives me the utmost satisfaction)

I don’t argue with them neither I give explanations but I do feel sad/sorry for them coz they don’t realize there is much more to life then settling down at the age of wa’ever u find ideal. I am not against settling down I am against living by numbers and living conventionally (and much more).

Not everyone wants the same outta life like your daughter did. Not everyone wants to have kids like your son plans to have. Not everyone likes to eat Indian food everyday. Not everyone can abide by your decisions just to make you happy like your daughter did. Some dare to be different…some dare to know what they want. Some dare to speak their opinions and live it like they want- I just happen to be one of them.

In the end, as soon as I got ma tickets booked I knew- somehow, somewhere, I’ll have the same conversation next time I am home.

A Beautiful Mess

There is something that pulls you towards someone. There is something very strong very profound- it’s the true desire to be close to someone. It starts from the invasion of thoughts to disruption of daily schedule with excessive day-dreaming, and worst, letting a single thought take charge of your entire being. You know from that point onwards that things will change. The attraction that pulls you towards that someone is impossible to explain.

You know that the inevitable will happen and no matter how hard you try to fight it, you know in your heart you’ll lose. People enduring this avidity are in no rush; they live each moment reverently. The color of life changes color and there is a new rhythm in their stride. These people are now in love with life. The emotion that erupts is so strong that it spreads like an infection-inside out. This virus is beyond any cure; instead it makes the heart push out love notes from the very core.

Everyone gets infected by this desire to love (life) at some point of their journey.  Everyone has their own story.  But whatever the story people in this state experience a desire in its purest form.

As for me, I call it a mess- a beautiful mess.

* The post is purely on R&D of true life events-not!